


the burden is heavy and overgrown

by schmorygilmore



Category: Suits (US TV)
Genre: F/M, Internal Monologue
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-23
Updated: 2020-06-09
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:02:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22867552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/schmorygilmore/pseuds/schmorygilmore
Summary: "Sometimes, she feels the world would fall if she wasn't holding it up."--A series of moments that study the inner workings of the mind of Donna Paulsen.
Relationships: Donna Paulsen & Harvey Specter, Donna Paulsen/Harvey Specter
Comments: 17
Kudos: 25





	1. walk me home in the dead of night

**Author's Note:**

> This is an idea that wouldn't leave me. The intention is to explore the inner workings of Donna Paulsen's mind following prominent Darvey moments in the show. We get the moment but we don't see the magnitude. 
> 
> This is my first fic ever and I couldn't have done it without all of the encouragement. Special shoutout to Alyssa (donnaandharvey) for the help and the beta and another to Ruthie (@popexpaulsen) for the support. I love all you guys and I hope you like it!

  
  
  
_Walk me home in the dead of night  
I can't be alone with all that's on my mind_

_____________________

There’s something crisp and cool about the air tonight. As she makes her way down the streets of the city she loves so much, she can’t help but find comfort in the subtle blowing of the wind and the way her hair kicks up in the air. It brings her solace. It calms her. 

It’s a habit she has; when her mind is racing and she’s left alone with her thoughts too long. She’s not really sure when she started taking comfort in the sidewalk under her feet or when it became the habit that it is now, but at some point over the many years of living in the hustle and bustle of New York, she found that it helped clear her head. Allows her to process all the big emotions swirling around in that big beautiful brain of hers, because sometimes, the weight of the world becomes excessive and she’s only human. She needs an outlet. 

Tonight is one of those nights. 

She’s been in her head all day worrying about him. She always worries about him. Sometimes, she knows that her every thought is focused on Harvey and she knows deep down that it isn’t healthy, but that’s just who he is to her. He is the center of her universe both personally and professionally. After all, if she wasn’t thinking about him, worrying about him, living for him then she’s almost certain his entire world would fall apart. Not to mention, if Harvey wasn’t her only thought then she’d be left alone with her own. Then she’d unravel. 

However, on nights like tonight, she has no choice. She has to walk it off. She has to process. If she didn’t have nights like tonight, her brain wouldn’t be too busy being awesome; it would be useless. 

So she walks. She walks the city streets, feeling the pavement below her Louboutins and the whip of the crisp night air and she just feels. 

As she turns the corner to Madison Avenue, how she got here she’s not even sure, she remembers back to a few hours ago and the look on his face. After she’d practically bulldozed into Mike coming out of Stephen’s office, she felt her heart sink into her stomach. Of course, Stephen had lied. He had to cover his tracks. Protect himself above anyone else.

A murderer. She’d slept with a murderer. 

Maybe he didn’t pull the trigger, but he certainly made the call that set everything into motion. He’d been the catalyst for the fallout. He’d caused a ricochet of consequences for no other purpose than to save his own ass. 

As she pauses at the crosswalk waiting for a green light to cross,, she internally chastises herself. This walk is supposed to help her dig deep into her thoughts and emotions and she’s mentally avoiding the actual topic at hand. 

Harvey. Harvey Specter. It’s always about Harvey. 

Yes, she’d slept with Stephen. Yes, she had yet another failed “relationship” under her belt. Yes, Stephen was a murderer. But that’s not what’s upsetting her the most. She’s honestly not even that troubled about Stephen. It’s the Harvey of it all that has her running a marathon in her mind this evening. 

It had bothered him. They both knew it and he’d finally said it. Then the truth had come out and she had fallen apart, right there in Harvey’s office. With a simple “I’m so sorry, Harvey,” she had launched a duel. 

Yeah, she’d made a quip earlier in the evening, but she knew. It had been a duel. Harvey was defending her honor as much as he was defending his case. God, what an idiot she’d been. As she rounds the corner of yet another side street, she shakes her head at herself. How had she let her need to live her life cause so much damage. This is what happens when she doesn’t think things through. This is what happens when she breaks her rule. “Don’t go off on this tangent, Donna,” she thinks to herself. “Back to the matter at hand.”

Harvey. He’d fought for her tonight, albeit not in the way she always hoped he would. Not that she doesn’t want him to defend her but she wants him to fight, emotionally. Fight for her. Fight for them. 

As she continues meandering down the street, she pauses. She was so caught up in her thoughts, she truly hadn’t realized where she was headed and as she glances up, she realizes she’s found herself in front of the diner. Yes, the infamous Diner. As she looks through the window, before continuing on, she recalls the events of just a few days prior. 

“You and Stephen, it bothers me. I know it’s not fair, but it does,” he’d said. 

Big statement. Huge meaning. 

She knew the minute he’d snapped at her about simply doing some work for Stephen, that nothing about this was going to end well. That’s why she had her rule in the first place. “Well,” she says to herself, “that’s not exactly true is it, Donna?” Shaking her head again at herself, she knows she can’t unpack all of that tonight. She can’t unpack the magnitude of the rule and its purpose. She has to deal with these currently surfacing emotions now... and the past, well, it can stay where it is for a while. It’s not going anywhere. The feelings for Harvey, about Harvey, aren’t going anywhere. 

For a moment, she indulges herself in her thoughts. She wonders what it might be like if they just let loose and truly said what they actually feel. Admitting their feelings? What a novel idea. 

As she continues to pace her way through the avenues, she tucks her hands further into her pockets, adjusts the collar on her coat a little higher and imagines what it would be like if she had just thrown caution to the wind and admitted to Harvey what she truly feels. That Stephen was merely a replacement. He was an simple understudy, not the mainstage performer she craved. He was only a placeholder. 

She wishes she’d just told Harvey the truth. That she had Stephen because she couldn’t have him. 

“Oh, God,” she whispers to herself. What a massive thought. 

Even when admitting it to herself, simply internally, she realizes the magnitude. She knows Harvey’s ruined her. She’s been ruined by him since that handshake in the bar, but thinking about it and admitting it outloud are two very different animals and she’s content, for now, to have these feelings trapped inside the recesses of her mind. It’s just too much. He’s everything to her. Her entire world is and revolves around Harvey Specter. The risk is too great. 

___________________________

_“I don’t want to lose you. Come work for me.”_

___________________________

_“Donna, I need you. Need? Need.”_

___________________________

_“I don’t want to find out what kind of lawyer I’d be without you.”_

___________________________

Apparently the risk was too great for them both. He couldn’t risk losing her and she can’t fathom her life without him. Under her breath she rolls her eyes and whispers, “Geez, we’re a mess, Harvey. You beat the shit out of a guy I was sleeping with and I’m walking miles around New York City in my $700 shoes just to get a grip.” The things he makes her do. 

He drives her crazy, but she wouldn’t have it any other way. His crazy keeps her sane. And as she suddenly realizes, his crazy keeps her from focusing on herself and her own emotions. She is so wrapped up in the Harvey Specter of it all that she has no time to focus on Donna Paulsen’s emotional rollercoaster. She secretly likes it that way. It gives her an out.

Accept on nights like tonight, where there are momentous events that she is forced to acknowledge. She prefers his crazy to hers, if she’s honest. 

As she pulls her coat a bit tighter, to ward off the sudden nip in the air, she tucks her hands deeper in her pockets and turns the corner for her block. As she glances up and sees the entrance to her building, she doesn’t feel the comfort of home; she feels the mixings of inner turmoil. All these emotions make her realize what she already knows but can’t bring herself to admit, not even to herself. That four letter word just looming in the background recesses of her mind, amidst all the chaos. 

She sighs. She shakes her head gently. 

It’s enough. It’s enough for now. She’s at full capacity. So, as she gazes longingly at the front door to her building, she squares off her shoulders and straightens her back while taking a calming breath to settle herself. 

She knows she’s still a mess but the storm inside her head has settled into a calm and gentle sway of wind through trees. She just needed to be alone with the mile a minute thoughts running circles around the streets in her mind. 

As she turns the handle and begins the climb up the stairs to #206, she has one final fleeting thought that maybe, just maybe, she’ll have to stand her ground and look out for herself, but that night isn’t tonight. 

Tonight, she walked. 

___________________________

_Tryna stand up on my own two feet  
This conversation ain't comin' easily_


	2. tell me how to feel about you now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to alyssa (donnaandharvey) for being the best beta/support system and to ruthie (popexpaulsen) for being a member of the circle of trust. This chapter is dedicated to lamia (donnapaulsen) for a multitude of reasons.

_chapter 2_

' _tell me how to feel about you now'_

—

Special thanks to alyssa (donnaandharvey) for being the best beta/support system and to ruthie (popexpaulsen) for being a member of the circle of trust. This chapter is dedicated to lamia (donnapaulsen) for a multitude of reasons.

—

_Tell me how to feel about you now_

_Oh, let me know_

_Do I suffocate or let go?_

—

She's pacing.

She's fidgeting. She never fidgets.

She walks to the kitchen, then back the few steps to the couch, then shuffles down the hallway, making the rounds. She can't seem to get her bearings. If the floor opened up underneath her and swallowed her whole, she wouldn't be the least bit surprised.

Usually in times like this, when she's overwhelmed and overtaken and can't quiet her thoughts, she'd be feeling the pavement under her feet as she traipses across the city streets. Not this time.

She's tethered to the inner recesses of her apartment as if she was being physically trapped. Instead, she just feels mentally trapped. She feels confined. So she paces. She wears holes in her floor, attempting to quite literally walk the thoughts out of her mind. They're fighting to get out. She's fighting to get out, but it's no use. She can't fight this any longer. She's been fighting for thirteen years (maybe twelve and half).

As she makes yet another lap around her kitchen table, she goes back to just a few hours ago. Was it only a few hours ago that Thomas knocked on her door? Was it only mere moments ago that she was asked a question that seemed to crawl within her insides and wring her stomach into literal knots?

—

_"Who are you to him?"_

_"So if you can't tell me who you are to him, maybe you can tell me who he is to you."_

—

"We're undefinable," she whispers with a shake of her head. "No, you aren't undefinable, Donna, you both just refuse to define it." She breathes out on a sigh. How do you even begin to define something, or rather someone, that holds that much magnitude in your life?

There's can openers and coffee, open cases and late night scotch, fleeting 'i love yous' and purposeful 'i need yous'. There's dancing and longing looks. There's strawberries and whipped cream. There's friendship and longing. There's kisses and protection and confessions. There's car rides, flowers, breakfasts and questioning glances. There's love.

—

_"Donna, you told him because you love him."_

—

She takes yet another turn around her coffee table and fumbles with the buttons on her cardigan. She's never been this lost before. She's never felt this much before. It feels like she's standing on the edge of a cliff of her own making, attempting to decide whether she should just jump or steadily make the climb back down the mountain. Stay the course or take the leap? So many questions she can't answer tonight. She doesn't like that. She always has the answers.

"Except when it comes to Harvey," she rasps out.

Harvey. "Oh God, Harvey," she whispers as tears prick the corners of her eyes, and she remembers exactly what is going on outside of the door she's barricaded herself behind. First, the firm was being sued because of her mistake. Now, it's Harvey. It's Harvey that sits in an ethics hearing where he has the potential to lose the one thing in his life that makes him, him.

As she wears yet another hole in the floor of her kitchen with her pacing, she wrings her hands and then wipes away the one tear that she let slip out of frustration. Harvey could lose everything he's worked for. Hell, Harvey could lose everything they've worked for.

—

_"We just made partner."_

—

She couldn't bring herself to go. She couldn't stomach sitting in that room, watching Harvey face off against Daniel Hardman. Again. She couldn't watch him lose everything. Especially not when the cogs on the wheels of her brain are jammed to a screeching halt (while simultaneously feeling like they're spinning so fast they might snap). She just wanted to protect him. She always just wants to protect him.

He protected her. He went to Thomas. He went to Thomas and threw himself on the tracks for her, begging Thomas to help tie him down. She realizes then that, of course she knew what that meant. That meant Harvey would lay down his life for her. She knew that. But, how do you convince the man you're seeing that there's another man in your life that takes up space? That there's another man that you can't seem to cut out of you?

Well, she figured out how to say that didn't she? God, what must Thomas think? After all this?

—

_"But then Harvey came to me, and all he seemed to care about is you."_

—

She continues her loops around her couch, narrowly avoiding the corner of her end table, and twists her left hand into her thigh. She needs something tangible. She needs to feel something other than the swirling whirlwind of emotions that are cascading through her mind. With a deep breath she makes a decision. She can't do this anymore. She just can't.

This is it. This is the final straw. This is the leap off the cliff. She always thought she'd be leaping off the edge of this precipice with Harvey. Instead, she's making the decision to jump alone.

She loves him, of that much she's certain. Harvey's a part of her. He'll always hold a piece of her heart, but she can't keep dancing this dance. She can't keep continuing to walk three steps forward just for Harvey to walk them two steps backward.

She thinks she could be happy with Thomas. Thomas was a good man. He was solid and strong and comfortable. He cared for her, surely, but more importantly, he wanted her. And he told her so. Often. She felt wanted by Thomas. She can't even remember the last time she felt wanted by Harvey. Needed? Sure. Protected? Yes. Wanted? Not since she felt him kiss her back that hazy night in her office. The night when she just had to know.

Now, she knew. But knowing isn't enough, and feeling all this turmoil is more than enough. She's going to choose happiness this time. "Well, happy enough," she whispers. She can be happy enough with Thomas, can't she?

As she makes one final loop around her couch, she finally stops. She sits.

The finality.

She feels it.

She tucks her legs underneath herself while literally and metaphorically cozying up to the idea that the line has been drawn in the sand. Happy enough. And, happy enough sounds a hell of a lot better than miserable without.

—

_"Donna… Donna - please"_   
_"I love you Harvey."_

—

Lifting herself slightly off the couch, she reaches for her long forgotten glass of wine and takes a sip, feeling the burn, though it doesn't burn nearly as harsh as the thought of having to remove the Harvey shaped piece of her soul that has long since taken up residence. Her fragile heart and that piece of her soul will just have to learn how to coexist in the knowledge that they'll be separate from now. That they'll no longer be a united front, but two separate entities.

She can do that, can't she?

As the swirling and twirling thoughts in her brain finally start to settle, she takes yet another sip of the red wine she loves and decides that tomorrow is the beginning of a new journey, and for now it's enough.

She downs the remainder of her wine glass and takes the all too familiar walk to her kitchen, places her wine glass in the sink and prepares herself for a restless night sleep. Removing a piece of yourself takes effort and this effort will be in the form of many restless nights.

As she trudges to her bedroom, she passes one last fleeting look at her front door. The front door, the metaphorical barricade she's been hiding behind all evening. She thinks of all the times Harvey has come knocking, seeking comfort, seeking her advice. She remembers whipped cream haziness, shredded resignation letters and all the times she'd wished he'd come knocking. She sighs.

Making her way into her bedroom, she settles herself in bed. She rearranges herself against the pillow and attempts to distract herself with the most recent novel she's reading. She knows it's a lost cause, but she needs the distraction. Even though she'd decided happy enough is enough, she still worries about the consequences of the ethics hearing. She doesn't like not knowing things.

She hasn't touched her phone all evening, but she's not about to pick it up now. She hates not knowing things but after everything she's been through with her thoughts tonight, she's not in a place to speak to anyone, let alone Harvey, who she knows has attempted to ring her at least three times.

Resting against the headboard, she finds her place within the fictional world of the story she's residing in, which somehow, doesn't seem nearly as interesting as where her mind has taken her tonight. Just as she gets to the end of the page, she hears it.

_Knock, Knock_   
_Knock, Knock_   
_Knock, Knock_   
_Knock, Knock_

—

_You keep me up with your silence_

_Take me down with your quiet_

_Of all the weapons you fight with_

_Your silence is the most violent_

—

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! This chapter took a lot out of me and I'd love to hear your thoughts! I love you all!


	3. tell me we'll get through all of this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, hello friends. i'm back again. i just can't seem to get donna out of my head. please enjoy my take on her inner thoughts following 7x16. 
> 
> special shoutout to alyssa (donnaandharvey) for being my compass, ruthie (popexpaulsen) for being a perfect member of the circle of trust and marie (darveycaptain) for being an excellent cheerleader.

—

_ chapter 3 _

—

_ ‘tell me we’ll get through all of this’ _

—

  
  


_ I'm awake, at least I think I am _

_ Are you trying to break my heart again? _

_ Because I'm made of something different now _

_ I'm made of everything you couldn't take with you _

—

It’s the feel of his hand in hers that she’s fixated on tonight. She’s surprising herself with that fact. Surprised that something so simple as a touch of their hands is the object of her every thought, especially given everything that they’ve been through the last few months. Everything that she’s been through. 

Such a simple gesture that carries so much meaning. Specifically for them. 

They don’t touch. 

It was sort of an unspoken rule between them after The Other Time. They don’t think about it and they don’t touch and they don’t talk. They smile, they drink, they flirt, but they don’t touch. But as of late, they’ve touched more than they ever have before, and she’s not sure what to make of that.

—

“ _ You want to be alone?” _ _   
_ _ “No.” _

—

Her brain is in overdrive. The dance. The touch. The kiss. It’s all swirling around in her brain like a tornado threatening to touch down, causing destruction and casualties in its wake. 

After the wedding, she’d made her way out of the venue, gotten in a cab and taken the ride to her apartment. As the car approached her building, she paid the driver, thanked him and made her way out, pausing in front of her door unable to have the courage to climb the few stairs inside. Too overwhelmed with her own emotions. 

So here she sits, in her beautiful, black silk maid of honor dress, outside on the stairs leading up to her building. It was late when she finally left the venue, so she knows she won’t encounter any of her neighbors at this hour. She’s thankful for that. She could use the break, because she just can’t go inside yet. She needs the escape of the night. She needs the slight chill in the air to help her feel something, anything, other than the constant ticking in her brain.

She slowly glances up towards the stars that she can barely make out above the city lights and she sighs. Everything’s changing. She’s not sure she can keep up. 

—

“ _ What do you say?” _ _   
_ _ “Don’t mind if I do.” _ _   
_ —

They don’t touch. She keeps coming back to that. That simple sentence replaying in her brain like a broken record. They don’t touch. Yet tonight, with her chin resting on his shoulder and his hand at the small of her back, they had danced. He twirled her around the dance floor like she was his for the taking. He held her close to him like he was terrified she’d float away. They had danced all evening, barely separating except to say touching goodbyes to their best friends and the other remaining colleagues left celebrating. She noticed that no matter where she was, she could feel his eyes on her. 

She’d wanted him to take her home, if she’s honest. Shaking her head at her own nonsense, she feels silly. They didn’t do that. That’s not what this is. Tonight was about comfort. Tonight was about her holding him together when he feels like his world is falling apart. That’s all this is, that’s all it ever is. 

Mike was leaving and Harvey needed something firm to grasp on to. She was always his security blanket, his guidepost, his compass. So he’d pulled her close. Close enough to shift her thoughts into overdrive. Then she’d come back down to earth and realize that this would be just another one of those evenings that they never discuss. She just has to just forget. She simply has to bury it deep under all the other momentous moments that go unspoken. She has to continue pretending. 

They don’t touch. 

“You know what else we don’t do? We don’t talk.” she whispers to herself. 

They never talk. Not about what’s really bothering them. Not about what they feel. Never about what they feel. The last time they tried, it ended up with a screaming match in the middle of the lobby of the firm. That was a moment that got away from her. She’s usually much more collected. Except when it comes to Harvey. 

Wrapping her arms further around herself, she looks down at her feet and shakes her head. Why couldn’t they just talk? Why couldn’t she just tell him how she feels? And more importantly, how could she even tell him? How do you begin to have a conversation that is fifteen years in the making? 

—

_ “It’s over.” _ _   
_ _ “Are you okay?” _

_ “Will you come back?” _ _   
_ _ “Yes.”  _

_ “Then, I’m okay.” _

—

If she could bring herself to talk to him she’d tell him so many things. She’d tell him that dancing with him tonight felt better than any date she’s been on in the last year. She’d tell him that kissing him that fateful night felt like coming home. She’d tell him that hearing directly from him that he’d chosen her, was like she could finally breathe. She’d tell him that she’s never leaving him again. She’d tell him that she lied when she said she felt nothing. She’d tell him she felt everything. 

She huffs out a breath. She can’t even let herself go down that rabbit hole. She had promised him. She promised she’d never let it happen again. And she’s going to keep her word. Next time, if there is a next time, it has to be him. It’s on him now. She won’t go there again. 

—

_ “You know I love you, Donna.” _

—

While sitting on the cold concrete, she adjusts her dress a bit and pulls her coat a little tighter around her body, then takes a moment to remember it all. The kiss. The dance. Their hands. His shoulder. Her cheek. 

This is why they don’t touch. They don’t touch because their lines are blurry. If they touch, those blurry lines end up being wiped away like rain on a windshield and it just becomes twisted wires of what could be, not what is. 

—

_ “I want something more.” _

_ “What do you mean, more?” _

—

“I meant you, Harvey.” she says to herself with a shake of her head. 

She had meant him, whether she was ready to admit that to herself when she said it, she doesn’t know. But she knows now. She knows she meant him. And then he went running to her. He went running to her to make sure that whatever her “more” meant, he wouldn’t be able to give it to her. He had shut the door and locked it. But then with the Louis, and the Mike, and the Rachel and the Harvey of it all, she had found an opening. A crack in the facade. 

She had found a window in, and she pried that fucker open and climbed inside. And she kissed him. She kissed him for all the almosts, for all the “but it doesn’t mean”s, for all the hard truths, for all the “i’ll follow you ‘til the ends of the earth”, for all the somber “i love yous” and fleeting missed opportunities. She kissed him because she had to know. 

She just had to know. 

—

_ “I’m sorry, Harvey. I just had to know.” _

—

And then, there was the aftermath. The fallout. It had almost broken them. That one moment of “I just had to know” turned into “As far as I’m concerned your judgement sucks” and then they had almost burned up in the atmosphere of that moment. The only moment in her entire tenure when she had put herself before him. “Don’t worry, Harvey, I won’t be making that mistake again,” she says with a sigh. 

Somehow, in the midst of the chaos and through all the bullshit, they had found their way back to each other, back to what they consider normal and they had survived, but just barely. Shaking the rubble off of their backs and brushing the dust off their shoulders. Were they normal? Honestly, she doesn’t even know anymore. Normal is a meaningless word to her now. 

But then, tonight. Tonight was like magic. There was dancing. And touching. And it was  _ different _ . Everything was different now. She was made of something different now. 

They really were alone now. Left to their own devices. Yes, they had the firm and Louis and Katrina and Robert. But still, they were alone. They only had each other now and things were just… different. After tonight, and whatever this was, she’s not sure how to continue living her life and looking him in the eye every day without thinking about his hand on the small of her back or the gentle clasp of her hand in his or the subtle sadness in his eyes. 

With that remaining and lasting thought, she finally braces herself for the inevitable. The trek upstairs. She thinks it’s enough for now. It’s time to go inside. It’s time to put an end to this day that while joyous was overwhelming her with its magnitude. 

She finally gets herself to a standing position on the stairs, looks up at the stars one more time with a sigh and turns the handle to the entrance of her building, slowly making her way each step, one at time. She knows a thing or two about slow and steady at this point. 

They don’t touch. 

But maybe, just maybe, they could. 

  
  


—

_ So stop telling me it's over now _

_ I can take anything except the truth _

_ Please lie to me one last time _

_ And tell me we'll get through all of this _

—

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you guys again so much for reading! please let me know your thoughts, especially on this chapter, because it was a difficult one for me to get through. comments / questions / concerns are all lovely! 
> 
> song credit: made of something different now // snow patrol


	4. the start of an age

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: this a slightly different take on the previous chapters, but I had an idea and so I went with it. I hope you like it. Special shoutout once again to alyssa (donnaandharvey) for this one because without her, I probably wouldn't be here.

_chapter 4_  
—

' _the start of an age'_

—

_Will you take a moment,_

_Promise me this_

_That you'll stand by me forever_

—

Her mind is running a mile a minute. It's busy trying to process every thought, every moment, every second of the last few days. Well, the last few months if she's honest with herself. Has it only been just a small few months since he stood in front of her, at the very door they've met so many times, and changed her life forever?

Forever. She has forever with him. She always had, she knows that, but now it's real. It's tangible.

—

_"But - If there's one thing I learned from my mom, it's that I wasted too much time. First, not forgiving her. And then not admitting how I feel about you. Well, I don't want to waste another second. Please, will you marry me tonight?"_

—

After saying her tearful goodbye to Louis, barely holding it together, she stepped out of the revolving glass doors of the firm for what would probably be the last time, and she paused. She turned, glanced back at her reflection and took a deep fortifying breath. "This is it," she whispered. Big breath in, big breath out.

Tonight was one of those nights where she wanted to savor the city lights in her eyes and the whip of the wind through her hair. She had to walk. The thoughts were too big and boisterous to simply glide her way through the city in a cab. No, not tonight. Tonight deserved more than that.

As she turns back toward the warmth of the city, she takes one last deep inhale in and exhale out, then she walks. She's going to miss this place. It's been good to her. But she knows a bigger adventure awaits. Their adventure awaits.

—

_"Donna Roberta Paulsen, will you marry me right here, right now?"_

—

Pausing at the crosswalk, she shakes her head. She still can't believe this. She's married. Better yet, she's married to Harvey Specter. The Harvey Specter. Her Harvey Specter. Her husband. "My husband," she gasps with a fiddle of her ring. Husband and wife. She was someone's wife. Not just someone's, but Harvey's. Harvey's wife. It's surreal.

It's surreal that less than a year ago, she had no idea where they stood and now they stand side by side, posed to face the world. A whole new world full of possibilities with the only partner she's ever let know her, completely.

Shaking her head as she turns the corner, she still can't believe he managed to surprise her with a proposal, a wedding and a cross country move in the matter of a few days. When he said he enjoyed seeing her speechless, she really didn't think he meant completely flummoxed. God, she loves this man. How had she fought against that fact for so long?

—

" _Oh, my God. Of course. Harvey, I'm not gonna leave you."_

—

She glances up at the streetlights and listens softly to the passing cars and the simple noises of the city and she realizes that as overwhelming as everything may be, she's ready. She's ready because he's ready. She's ready because they have always been formidable apart but no they're unbreakable together and that, well, that's no match for whatever the world can throw at them. Seattle feels like a big move, but as she told him once before, she'd follow him to the ends of the earth. So truthfully it's not as momentous, as it is simply magnificent.

They can start their life without people chasing after him with pitchforks or silly cynics thinking they'll never be anything but what they are. They can be anything. They can be parents, friends, colleagues, godparents. They can be more than what the inside of those glass walls could provide them.

—

" _For the record, I would have gone with you."  
_ " _For the record, I should have asked you first."_

—

"Parents," she thinks to herself.

Her thoughts were going so much faster than her feet and she stumbles over that word again in her mind. Parents. She could be a mommy to a beautiful auburn haired little girl that takes ballet and sings in the school play. Harvey could be a daddy to a tough as nails little ginger haired fighter than plays t-ball and runs faster than her little legs will carry her.

The twinkle of the city lights and the whispers of the quiet streets are keeping her and her thoughts company tonight, so she turns down an extra avenue, deciding to take a longer passage on the way to their building. She wants to revel in the ambiance of the streets and the joy of her thoughts a little longer.

She pictures Harvey with a baby asleep on his chest lightly kissing the soft locks on the top of her head while he flips through a legal brief, trying to keep his focus on anything but the little redheaded angel resting in front of him. She pictures herself tucked up next to a little girl reading about heffalumps and woozles and bears that eat honey for breakfast. She thinks of birthday parties with friends, ballet recitals, baseball games and so many pictures she thinks her phone will break.

She wants that. She wants that for them. When she said she wanted more, evidently this is what she meant. Except, she meant more with him. And now they can finally have it. Together.

As she finally makes the final trek back to what will only be their condo for a few weeks more, her mind swirls with thoughts of babies and brownstones and bears and baseball. Then, suddenly, she starts counting.

"Oh my god," she says on a loud gasp.

She turns immediately on her black Louboutins away from their building and quickly strides to the closest bodega, her mind running faster than the speed of light. Making her way up the aisle, she grabs that pink box, pays and then makes her way back home.

—

_"I can never go back to the way I was before."  
"You've changed me."  
"And you've changed my life forever."_

—

She really needs Harvey to get home. Now.

—

_Long, long live the walls we crashed through  
_ _How the kingdom lights shined_  
just for me and you

—

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! comments, questions, reviews, thoughts, love are all welcome!


	5. but i'll give into yours

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: well i'm back again, with more Donna thoughts. This is a big chapter, and I was nervous about it so I hope I did it justice! Thank you all for reading and a special thank you to alyssa (donnaandharvey) and marie (darveycaptain) for being the best betas and cheerleaders I could ask for.

—

_chapter 5_

—

' _but i'll give into yours'_

—

_You're dancing around on my mind every second_

_I'm under control till you're in front of me_

_Maybe I'm scared, I don't care, I'm addicted_

_I'm in it_

—

She can't breathe. She feels the tightness in her chest and the clenching of her stomach and she just - she just can't breathe. Her brain keeps turning over one singular thought in her head and she can't make it stop.

_Harvey._

This whole situation has been a clusterfuck of emotions, which she knew it would be, but it's turned into a disaster. She sat on the stand while Malik called her reputation into question and twisted words around, weaving a story that makes her look weak and small. Two things that Donna Paulsen is not. She had to suffer through that and now - now she can't think of anything but him. She can't escape her own thoughts. The turmoil is coursing around her brain like a rushing river, making her wonder if she might drown in it.

And now, now there's Mike. Mike, in his sensitive and sweet way, just added to all the problems. Because now, not only is she embarrassed and mortified and angry over the trial, now she has to deal with whether or not she loves Harvey. Well, of course she loves Harvey, but now she has to define that love.

So, tonight, she's walking. It always helps - the walking. It always aides in clearing her head, makes her feel balanced in a world full of crashing waves of chaos.

—

_Tell Harvey how you feel._

_What?_

_I know that it's not my place to say this, but, Donna, I wouldn't be with Rachel if it wasn't for you, and if I let you lose something that might make you as happy as we are and I didn't say something, I would never forgive myself. So if you think there is even the smallest chance that you might ever want to be together and you don't tell him that soon, you might lose the chance to tell him at all._

—

As she takes a deep inhale of the crisp night air, she can't help replaying that conversation with Mike in her brain. In all the utter chaos that is her professional life, the thing she can't stop thinking about is her personal life. She usually avoids that particular topic because discussing other people's problems is much more of a comfort to her than thinking of her own. Tonight, however, she can literally think of nothing else. She pauses at a crosswalk before waiting for the green light saying it's okay to cross.

She wishes there was a green light telling her it's okay to pursue these thoughts. She wishes it were that easy. "If only," she whispers to herself.

—

_Mike I appreciate where your heart is, but two people have to want to be together to be happy, and Harvey and I don't want to be together._

_Are you sure?_

—

She's sure of nothing except that she's lost. Not physically, because she's almost on autopilot on her way home, but mentally, she's lost. She may have told Mike she was sure, but she knows she didn't mean it. She's sure of nothing, except that she's so used to denying her feelings to everyone, including herself, that she has no idea what 'sure' even means anymore. How can you be sure of something that you've never even had the option of pursuing?

Shaking her head solemnly, she knows technically she's had the option, but she wasn't ready then and neither was he. But the question of the moment is, was she ready now? How could she be? He's with someone else. He's with _her._ And she's… alone. Is that all this is? Is it loneliness? Is the loneliness contorting inside of her and mixing up her emotions?

As she turns the corner towards her place she pulls her coat a little further around her and places her hands in her pockets. It's a bit chilly tonight, but she embraces the nip in the air. She likes feeling the chill because it means she's still present. She can still feel. She's not completely lost in the turmoil.

"Do I love him?" she thinks. Well, yes of course I love Harvey. But loving someone and being in love with someone are two very different things. One is a familiar feeling and the other is a life changing, earth shattering revelation. She's not sure she's ready for the earth to shatter (more than it already has), although maybe if the ground would like to open up and swallow her whole, she'd be okay with that. She'd actually welcome it, in the midst of all this chaos.

Finally arriving at the steps of her building she glides up the remaining few and unlocks her door. She realizes that she doesn't know the answer to any of these questions swirling around in her brain.

And she just has to know.

**;;**

God, she wishes she could run away. She wishes she could just evaporate into thin air. She feels constricted. She imagines this is what it feels like to be trapped in a straightjacket. This truly must be what claustrophobia feels like.

As if the thoughts of him weren't running around in her mind already from Mike's subtle insistence the previous day, now she finds herself literally collapsing against the onslaught of Louis' heartbreaking speech.

—

_I know she's with another man, Donna, and I know she says that she loves him, but all I want to do is just say to her, can't she see the man she was meant to be with is standing right in front of her face?_

_I'm so sorry._

_I should have told her when I had the chance, but that's something I'm gonna have to live with for the rest of my life._

—

Falling back against the ledge of her office window, she can barely breathe. The only thought running around her head is him. Them. She's been standing beside Harvey for nearly a decade, maybe she should have been standing in front of him. Maybe then he would have been able to see her full on, instead of just from a sideways glance.

But now, as she tries and fails at her attempt to breathe, she thinks that she still doesn't know what she's feeling, only that she feels overwhelmed and constricted. She feels the tightening in her chest and the coiling in her stomach and she just - she can't take this. She can't take not knowing. She has to know. She just has to.

And then, she hears footsteps approaching and she can tell it's him. She always knows when it's him. She can barely make out that he's speaking, let alone what he's saying, before she propels herself from the ledge, literally and metaphorically.

And then it happens, with barely a second thought. She kisses him. Their lips lock and her brain freezes in that moment focused on one singular word. Harvey.

Then, it's over as quick as it begins and before she knows it she's uttering an "I'm sorry, Harvey. I just had to know," and then she's bolting out the door.

**;;**

She can't get out of the building fast enough. She feels like she's fleeing, like she's running, and in a way she is but really it's just the adrenaline that's built up.

What has she done? She kissed him when she knew he was with someone else, and that's going to be a problem. She knows that, because she knows him. But she's not the least bit regretful in this moment because she finally, finally, made a decision for herself. After all, she just had to know.

And, well, she knows now. That's for sure.

Normally when she's so worked up she'd walk home, but tonight she can't manage it. She feels like her legs don't work the way they should and she'd just end up collapsing at a crosswalk. So, she hails a cab. Taking the ride to her place, her brain and her stomach are turning.

She kissed him. She kissed Harvey.

—

_I'm sorry, Harvey. I just had to know._

—

Glancing out the window, watching the buildings and people rush by, it feels like the thoughts in her brain. Everything is a rush. It's all moving so fast, she can't focus on one thing. Kissing him didn't even feel like a choice, it felt like a necessity. In a way, it was. Shaking her head at herself she whispers, "Donna, what have you done?"

Everything is crashing down. She's in love with him. She knows that now. She got her answer. And she swears on her life that she felt him kiss her back. Now, everything changes.

They won't be able to go back to before. Their entire timeline will be redefined as, pre kiss and post kiss. The same way that they had to tackle and build their timeline after the other time. This is why she had the rule in the first place.

But tonight, she's thrown the rule out the window and just jumped off the ledge, and she knows she's turned his whole world upside down just as much as hers, but she had to do it. She's not even sure if it was a conscious thought before it happened. She was just compelled to take action, and when she felt him reacting, she had to pull away. She had to put the distance back between them, she had to unblur the lines that she smudged.

She still can't breathe.

Finally arriving at her building, she shoots the driver a thank you as she pays for the cab and crawls out. Taking a deep breath she wills herself to climb the stairs.

Tomorrow will be a lesson in self-preservation when she has to face him. But tonight? Tonight she's going to think of one thing as she crawls into bed.

He kissed her back.

—

_So I give you my everything and you keep on teasing_

_With that look in your eyes 'cause you know I believe it_

_I don't usually give in to peer pressure_

_But I'll give in to yours_

—

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! all comments / criticisms / reviews are welcome!
> 
> song: peer pressure - james bay ft. julia michaels


	6. you would know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hello, she’s back with a little journey into Donna’s thoughts. I hope you like it! Special shoutout to marie (darveycaptain) for this because the best birthday gift I can manage is to dedicate a chapter to her. It’s my love letter to you, Marie, written in Donna. Also, as always, thanks to alyssa (andsocanshe) for beta-ing. You are my lifesaver.

―

chapter 6

—

_Can we stop and just get real?_

_This is messing with my head again_

_You're not sure of how you feel_

_If you loved me, you would know_

_—_

She couldn’t get out of there fast enough. She didn’t know where she was going but she knew for a fact that wherever that place was, it wasn’t here. 

As she watched the numbers grow smaller above those double doors, fists clenched tight against her thighs, she found she could barely breathe. Her mind racing, she tried to identify the emotions she was feeling. Embarrassment? Sure, there was a bit of that. Anger? Hell yeah, there was an awful lot of that being directed at everyone involved. Though, the one emotion that kept toying with her the most was the feeling of uncertainty. 

—

_Do you love Harvey Specter?_

_What?_

_Do you love him?_

_That has nothing to do with—_

_It has everything to do with._

—

Louis was right. Of course it had everything to do with it. 

Feeling the elevator finally reach the lobby, she exited the lift in haste, wanting so badly to walk out those swirling glass doors and forget this place ever existed. Finally feeling the night air hit her skin, she found herself taking pause. Turning back towards this magnanimous building, she closed her eyes, inhaled deeply and opened her eyes upon exhalation. After that disastrous clusterfuck of emotions she just had to sit through in front of everyone she ever considered a colleague, she was done. 

Deciding to walk off the uncertainty, she made her way in the direction of her apartment. As feelings of embarrassment began to waver, she took the time to focus on the other swirling storm of emotions currently causing a tornado in the pit of her stomach, and her heart if she’s honest. 

Did she love Harvey Specter? Well, yes. But the question of the day was how? He was her friend. Her co-worker. Her boss turned once lover turned friend? How do you even begin to describe a relationship so laced with complications? There was no obvious definition, that much was clear to her. 

If she was honest with herself, she didn’t know if she had an answer for Louis’ question if she had been forced to answer. Clearly, something so undefinable would have been hard to explain. How do you explain to someone the vast emotions one man can cause within you? 

—

_Why did your last boyfriend break up with you? Ms. Paulsen, why did he end it with you?_

_He thought that I prioritized my work over our relationship._

_Your work? He asked you to choose between him and Harvey, didn't he?_

_Yes._

_Who did you choose?_

_Harvey._

—

Why had she chosen Harvey? Why does she _always_ choose Harvey? Pausing at the crosswalk, she feels more than hears the slight scoff under her breath. Was it to protect Harvey? Was it to keep him close? Or was it to attempt to keep the man she truly wanted as close as possible to her in the only way she would allow herself to have him? 

A personal and should-be romantic relationship hidden behind the mask of a friendship cloaked in the imagery of a simple coworker connection. Putting those thoughts on the back burner for a moment before they consumed her further, she continues step by step down the city blocks.

This whole memo catastrophe really was ruining her from the inside out. She was Donna, she never made mistakes. She made sure of that. Ever since she started this job, she made sure she was the best. She made sure there was never any doubt in anyone’s mind that she was on top of everything that was put before her and that she was always three steps ahead of any problem. She had perfected this. And if she had perfected this, then how could she miss this one very important thing? It just didn’t add up for her. None of this entire situation added up for her. 

— _  
__Donna, it's important._

_Yeah, important for me to get up there and say I screwed up trying to protect you?_

_You did screw up._

_Yes. To protect you._

_Which I never asked you to do._

_No, you just expected me to do it. Like I expected you to fight for me._

—

She _had_ expected him to fight for her. She had spent every day of her life for years fighting for him and this one time, he couldn’t fight for her? She knew way, way deep down that the evidence in front of his face was jarring and he truthfully didn’t have a choice but if she focused on that feeling then she couldn’t continue to be furious with him, and boy was she ever furious with him. But greater than the fury that coursed through her veins was the sadness she felt. 

Turning the corner down an avenue, she recognized that the feeling of longing and loss was what struck her more than the fury. She was going to miss him. She already did miss him. 

The fury is what made her say no to him. Seeing him all but begging her to come help save him was almost more than she could handle, but she managed to summon the power to dismiss him. She so rarely said no to him, especially when he requested something of her so prophetically, but she was angry and that anger was well deserved. 

Then, there was MIke. That little baby Harvey had shown up outside her yoga studio spouting words of broken promises and threats of disbarment telling her that if she didn’t show up, Harvey would be the one taking the blame for her mistake. 

A mistake. She had made a mistake. 

—

_You dragged me into Harvey's office once, and you schooled me about how much he loves his job. Well, if you don't help him prep for Tanner, he's gonna lose in court, he is gonna get disbarred, and he is never gonna be able to do what he loves ever again._

_That is not fair._

_No, what's not fair is Harvey taking the blame for your mistake. You know what, do whatever your attorney wants. Come in. Don't come in. Go to the movies. Take pilates. I don't give a shit. Because whatever you do, you're gonna regret it for the rest of your life._

_—_

Feeling the breeze whip through her red tresses as she crosses yet another street, she realizes that that’s the reason why Mike got through to her. It was the threat of regret. She doesn’t have regrets. Regrets are another form of mistakes in her world and that’s another thing she doesn’t claim. But apparently now, she makes mistakes. It still makes no sense at all. 

Why did she have to destroy that damn memo? “Harvey,” she whispers to herself. That’s why she did it. She destroyed that stupid fucking memo for Harvey, trying to save him. She was always trying to save him. That’s why she showed up at the firm for the mock trial. The threat of regret and the need to try and save him, yet again. 

As she feels the pavement beneath her shoes she recalls the feeling of walking into the room, all eyes on her (and not in the way she likes). Shocked looks were adorning everyone’s faces. Everyone from Zoe to Mike to Jessica to Rachel were all flabbergasted she deemed to show her face. The most shocked of all was Harvey. 

And then as soon as she sat down, the switch flipped. Stupid Louis. 

In a matter of thirty seconds flat, she had the rug pulled out from under her and her attempt at pleading the fifth was dead and gone and then all of sudden she found herself defending her choices and her personal history. She hated being on the defense. She had wracked up so much experience constantly being on the offense with a witty retort or an off the cuff sassy remark that being on the defensive was not inordinately part of her nature. 

She was never at a loss for words. Sitting there in front of the entire room of her colleagues and friends being badgered into revealing whether she loved Harvey Specter or whether her romantic relationships failed because of him, she was truly at a loss for words. She shuddered at the memory as she shivered at the sudden cool breeze that swept over her. 

Nearing her journey towards her apartment, she realized that she still didn’t have an answer to the initial question. Did she love Harvey Specter? Is that what all of this had been for? Was it because of her love for Harvey? Is that what made her constantly feel called to protect him, remain loyal to him, care for him?

“Yes, I guess it is,” she murmured to herself under her breath. 

Noticing she was finally only around the corner from her building, she took a minute to lean against the side of the building. The weight of her revelation truly moved her to stillness. She needed a moment to get her bearings because the gravity has shifted beneath her feet and she finally, after all these years, just admitted to herself that she loves Harvey. She still doesn’t quite know how to define it, the love she feels. It’s crazy and it’s all fucked up now, but yeah, she loves him. Fuck. 

Maybe she does make mistakes after all. 

FInally getting herself together and pushing her shoulders off the edge of the building, the fatigue of the day finally hits her bones. She didn’t know whether it was the revelation she’d just had or the embarrassment of the mock trial or the constant nagging reminder in the back of her head that she had fucked it all up, but she was dead tired. 

And then, as she turns the corner. That’s when she sees him. Clearly, here to make excuses for his actions. Excuses she really doesn’t give a shit about. The last thing she wants right now is baby Harvey telling apologizing for something and not meaning it. 

Her last thought before she geared up to tell Mike off was how much she wished it was Harvey on her stoop instead of his sidekick. 

Fuck.

—

_Keep tryna convince myself_

_Maybe you just need a little time_

_I should know by now that won't help_

_If you loved me, you would know_

_—_

_Song: If you loved me by GRACEY_

_—_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> —
> 
> Song: If you loved me by GRACEY
> 
> —
> 
> Thank you guys for reading! Comments / reviews / criticism are always welcome (and encouraged)!

**Author's Note:**

> Seriously, thank you all so much for the support. Any review would mean so much. I love you all.


End file.
